To me as an educator,

Don’t forget everything you’ve learned. You’ve gone all this way for a reason. You’ve lasted all these years for a reason. Just because you’ve had a few days, few weeks even, does not mean you are a bad teacher.

Those who self-reflect, those who wonder if they’re doing a bad job or good are the ones who notice their faults.

This year has been hard on anyone, veterans or newbies. You’re not alone.

Some days seem like a pain, but remember all the smiles you get, all the laughter, all the fun. Kids may be going up and down and around, kids may disruptive and tiresome.. but this is what you signed up for.. the good and the bad.

Know even though you don’t feel like you’re teaching, they’re at least learning something. They’re picking up on the little things you don’t even like about. Know even though you’re understaffed, know the rest of the world is rooting for you and you have support even if it’s not from administration. When you have service providers and psychologists and other aides helping you out, knowing that you’re struggling.. you have people behind your back.

Don’t give up.

Just cause this year sucks. Remind yourself about all the good years you had before had. How many happy memories you made with your old students when things where normal. Remember the influence you made to how those kids are they way they are today. Remember all the kind words parents have given you and are still giving you that you’re doing such a wonderful job and they’re thankful. Look back at old pictures and videos. Remember all those smiles, all that laughter.

Not everyone sees the struggle. Not everyone understands it, but remember.. you are doing your best.

Everyone has their bad days. Everyone breaks down and needs their moment to be weak and think that they’re not doing good enough.

Remind yourself..

Tomorrow will be better.

Today, I felt like a bad teacher.

I need to remind myself that I’m trying my best.

We breathe to live.

We breathe to survive.

But what happens when

The people you trust the most

Don’t make an effort

To remember

Who you were

Forgotten.

School sucks. I’m so tired. There’s not enough help. I’m not taking breaks or lunch. I cried today. I’m so done. But what does Admin do? NOTHING. We’re low on staff.. it’s happening to everyone.. But WTF am I supposed to do? How do I even teach?

Another year, another shit show. Especially after the pandemic, none of my kids know how it is to be back in school and I’m stressing. There’s diarrhea, nose bloods, hitting, kids won’t keep on their masks. My hands have never been this dry, I’m crying in the restroom when I get a break and the tech guy is catching me cry as I try to calm down while walking back to my class and I cry to him. 

WTF. The system is so fucked up right now. There is nothing happening that is happening beneficial for the teachers. I want to breathe, but I can’t. There is too much going on and with my anxiety I can’t right now. But of course I have to deal with it. It’s the job. It’s supposed to be the career, but for now it’s just the job. 

I love my kids. I do. If I’m alone crying in the restroom at work and everyone sees me wasting away.. exhausted.. and not helping.. where is the support. 

How weird would it be that you remember something from high school or college. I can tell you the weirdest thing.

Mine was: After prom I took a girls contact lenses out of her eyes cause she couldn’t do it herself. 

I know a lot has changed in the past few years but I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. 

I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I am entering my 5th year of teaching and I am still being the best I can be. 

I miss blogging, and especially posting them public. This is me. 

I am a Kinder teacher, I am in a relationship, and I do have my problems. 

I’m excited for the next school year considering the possibility of it going back to hybrid but I can deal with that. 

Family is me. BUT I don’t know what they think about me since this summer.. well every summer I try to disconnect. 

My kids mean EVERYTHING to me and I just hope I can be the best person I can be for them and push them to their furthest. 

Boyfriend, I LOVE, he gives me most of the things I want and need.. just cleaning and other stuff is sparse. 

Where can you love when there is not intimacy? Where can you teach when there is no support? Kids mean the world to me, but why do parents lean on me when they’re not mine anymore? Family, where is the support or communication? 

Rather I type back in a day or a year, I will be back. I’m thankful for the support I’ve gotten here. 

We start school next week so who knows.. I may go crazy or fucking thrive. 

I work with students who cannot talk, I work with students who are only to speak with themselves nonverbally. I work with students who I know have a personality regardless of their abilities.

Laugh, cry, smile, hug, or ANYTHING. Do something. Make this time worth it.

Thanks for listening.

Hi, I haven’t been here for a long time, and I’m sorry for that. 

This is me. 

I am a teacher, I teacher Special Ed. And that’s who’ve I’ve always just determined for me to be as so far. 

I live and breathe work, but at the same time I can live in my bed for hours. Living just dream by dream.. so realistic that I don’t want to wake up for my own reality. 

I am a struggling person with depression, anxiety, and probably something else, but I make it day by day. And I make sure my kids get the best experience they can as people with special needs. 

At least I try. (or what I tell myself)..

Teachers need help and support too. We need the support and love from our community to push us to keep going forward when everyone else is telling us that it’s worthless. 

Teachers needs love and consistency from the kids that want to learn and eager to do so. 

I’m speaking from my own truth..

I am struggling. 

If you have a teacher that you know that is struggling, please let them know even if they have the perfect face the whole time. Because, that is me. If you have a teacher that is trying to make up the best jokes to make you laugh, even if it’s a sad “you’re trying to be funny laugh,” just try. This is me. 

I work with students who cannot talk, I work with students who are only to speak with themselves nonverbally. I work with students who I know have a personality regardless of their abilities. 

Laugh, cry, smile, hug, or ANYTHING. Do something. Make this time worth it.

Thanks for listening. 

It’s sometimes crazy how go lucky we think we each other think we are.

We’re not.

For the ones that call us out. Stay with them.

I know there’s a lot about COVID right now, but there are a lot of questions to be asked. 

How can they ask us to put in our opinion about how we want to deal with this situation and how we would want us to continue teaching?

How are MY kids are supposed to learn? Distant learning has been horrid and I know if we go in person there is more of a chance that germs would spread.

How do I teach my kids how to be clean if I can teach them hand over hand.

I teach Kinder with Moderate to Severe disabilities so how does that work. How does is work if they need to start learning hand over hand? How does it work if I’m not in front of them making sure they choose the right answer? How would they learn daily living skills if I’m not there working with their parents?

I chose to teach this profession because I love it. I love my kids. I love making a difference. I want to make an impact on their life. But how am I supposed to do this if we had this WHOLE SUMMER to make a change.

The government, especially the national government, has not made it easy. 

How am I supposed to teach my kids from here if I don’t have the support?

As a teacher, I want to be with them, I want to teach them, I want to make a difference. But I don’t know how. 

At the end of the school year we were offered to barely get a scrape of the districts fund to supply for SPED. And where is it going to to go now? Is it going to go to the general population who needs it for their needs, or will it continue to help those in special education to help us as well.. 

We have always been low funded.. nothing much given.. so what now?

I’m tired of fighting, but I’ll still fight. 
I’m tired of trying, but I’m still here. 
I’m tired of all of it. MY KIDS STILL DESERVE AN EDUCATION.

I need hope. I need to know that there is going to be change. There is defunding for the police right now, but where is there refunding in education?

SHOW ME. 

TELL ME. 

I’M WAITING. 

Social menstability is thing

I’m not okay

I’m sure you’re not okay

But I’m really not okay

Some people need extra people to check up on them

Some people need extra calls

We might not answer but the thought is enough

Sometimes okay and doing just fine isn’t

Sometimes we think we’re just not enough

Just to remember

Social menstability is a thing.

I don’t know how a love could ever fall asleep so easily mad.. when I can’t.

What if one day I fall complacent and I just fall under the gender norms that are expected from me from society?

Dishes.
Laundry.
Sweeping.
Mopping.
Vacuuming.
Cooking.

This would decrease the amount of stress I guess I put on him, and it would increase my need to do something when he isn’t around.

But my whole life I have been a push for gender norms.. just cause he works “longer” hours, why do I have to push through and do what is right for our apartment. 

I know I’ve been fighting it for over a year now, but I’m not happy on how things have been going. We still fight. He still only does the minimal UNLESS I pick a fight. It’s just a bad cycle to be in. 

What to do. 

Life would be easier and our place would be constantly cleaner. 

But would I be happy?

Tell me

Tell me it’s okay for parents to complain about you and text me that they still want me to be their teacher

Tell me that it’s okay for you to come to me for teaching advice when you have been a teacher 30 years more than moe

Tell me it’s okay that all this shit has been going down and you’re still here=‘

the kids i have taught to be in their utmost behavior have shown their worst side to you.

why

have you ever asked yourself why

I’m tired of having to discipline two classes at once

I’m sorry they don’t listen to you. don’t like. you.

I’m trying to teach the kids that i have. i ams working really around to teach the kids that i have. but to have the energy to teach both our classes.. that’s on you. 

I hate to see my students regress but after three years and none of them listen to you when they did listen to me.. what does that say? ‘

change our careere if you don’t like your life, if you don’t like your kids. if you don’t like kids with disabilities don’t do it. 

i wish i could say this in real life. but i’m not tenured. i have no say. just let the kids progress. let the kids be independent. let the kids learn. let them ne.

because they are so much more they show and they are much more they can be. don’t let their disability be their crutch. don’t enable them. let them be. let them shine and how what they can be. as an educator.. let them shine. 

you’re so closed minded and i send them off to you. four years of this.